Provoking Love

I shove him away from me but he forces himself into my space once again.  There is a wholeness I feel with him but it makes me feel like I’m insane.  I don’t want this.  I feel as if this love is too slick.  This love is too good.  This love can’t last.

I lower my eyes and whisper that I want him gone and he screams back at me to make him.  He’s enraged and it’s completely childish.  My mind is colliding with my heart and I begin laughing into the dark room.  I can’t set limits with this man.  I can’t seem to care about setting limits with him anymore.

I try to walk away, I’m at wits end but he pushes me back against a cool wall. He leans into my face, his words sound distant but I know he wants to continue this fight with me. He knows I abhor this kind of behavior. I don’t know why I continually allow him to do it. I don’t tolerate this sort of thing from anyone else and I never have.  His argument settles and is no longer childish He turns intellectual and introspective.

I fall down utterly exhausted but he grabs my arms and pulls me to my feet.  He stares into my eyes.  He expects me to answer him but I can’t even recall him ever asking me a question.

I succumb to the anxiety creeping in and just say no.  He screams yes across my cheeks.  His voice is hard with an edge that makes my heart race and my fingers numb.  It gives me chills and my blood dances up my neck turning everything red.  My body responds to him, to his anger.  I try to focus on him, on what he’s saying to me and one thing becomes clear in that moment.

This man provokes love in me and I’m beginning to crave it.  I’m overcome with embarrassment. This is too close to manipulation. I need to leave him behind and move on.  I cannot allow him to continue provoking love in me any longer.

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Happy Christmas

I would like to take a few minutes and wish every a Happy Holiday Season. I know it’s 11 p.m. on Christmas night but I’ve been busy and hey, we still have a few holidays left in the official season anyway. I hope your Thanksgiving and Christmas was filled with love and joy. I hope you all gave and received everything you wished for.

I really got a lot of super wonderful gifts this year. Everyone just really nailed it and I’m in awe. I am blessed to have such wonderful people in my life. These are my people, the ones who just “get” me. The most important gift I received for Christmas was one I always cherish from my husband, it was the gift of time.

You see, my babe works like a madman. I miss him constantly and I love him beyond measure. He is not just my husband but he’s my best friend, my confidant, my anti-depressant. He’s worked 60 days straight since we got back from vacation in October, not a single day off. Not all of this is on him, his company had some layoffs and to make up for manpower, the remaining crews are forced to work 7 days a week nonstop. On the wild weekend that the crew has a weekend off, he does step up and work overtime. Sometimes he does it to better our lives in financial ways, but a lot of times he does it so that other people at his plant don’t have to come in and miss their families.

When we agreed to get married we made a deal. We promised to support each other always in all things as long as it didn’t cause physical harm to either of us. I’ve always known he was a workaholic. It’s not a bad thing. His work ethic made me free to be able to do things I love. I was always able to work in positions that made me truly happy. It’s rare to get that opportunity in this life and he gave that to me before I retired. I will always be grateful. I will never complain when he works long hours, days on end.

We have a joke we tell people. We tell them that when we met my first thought was “this man works hard and will take care of me” and he tells people his first thought was “wow, she has an amazing set of tits”. It’s a joke but it’s not far off for our first impressions.

So, the most special gift I got from my husband was his time. He spent his entire weekend off with me. We had breakfast one day and then went to the movies. I made him dinner Saturday and we binge watched a new show on Netflix called The OA. It was freaky but really great, it made me cry the final episode and he didn’t make fun of me. He’s really, really the best.

I’d like to think that I gave equally as wonderful gifts as I received but that’s not really up to me. It’s not mine to wear. I do try though to really do good things, meaningful things for those I love.

All in all, Christmas Eve was pretty cool. I cooked really early and just stored everything for when we would be ready to eat.  My boy came over and did some baking 🙂 he and I went to Dave and Jen’s family Christmas party. When I came home I took a much needed nap much to my husbands delighted laughter. I did get to talk to both of my brothers and my baby girl Boo throughout the day. Took a nap while waiting for Santa.

Today, I went to visit my younger brother and his family and had some good laughs. The boys stopped by and ate some yummy vittles late in the evening, I packed my honey’s lunch since he’s working a double tonight, and now I’m writing and icing my poor puppies back. He has a pulled muscle and I haven’t been able to get him healed up. I’m going to work hard this week to make him feel better.

It’s been a busy weekend but I’m thankful, I’m hopeful, and I’m happy.

Must Love Dogs

I base my friendships on many things but the key to my friendship is a mutual love and respect for dogs.  I’m not talking about the people who just think dogs are cute and want to pet their neighbors dog when they see it.  I’m talking about people who own dogs, who donate to dog rescues, who buy their friends with dogs special toys and treats. I’m talking about people who really care about the health and well-being of dogs in general.

It was an unspoken agreement between my husband and I even when we were dating that when we moved in together we would get a dog.  We’ve raised three rottweilers from puppies until passing at old age, we’ve rescued a rottweiler who ended up having a broken spine and had to be put down (the hardest thing we went through), and now we have two mutts we got as puppies and we couldn’t adore them more if we tried.  I’m actually considering getting another rottweiler, I’m just waiting for the right one to slide into my life unexpectedly.

I tell people I’m a stay at home dog momma.  I think it’s the best job I’ve ever had.  I think my boys would agree.  There is nothing quite like the love of a dog, the adoration and snuggles are more rewarding than anything I’ve ever experienced in life.  They heal you. People let you down, cheat, and lie.  A dog can do none of those things.  All they can do is love unconditionally.

I guess I just don’t trust anyone who doesn’t love dogs as much as I do.

Chinese Food and Fat Asses

I am officially done. I’m completely and utterly done Christmas shopping and I’m over it. I am at that the wall where I just don’t want to be in the “spirit” now. All of the packages should arrive through the weekend and finally done on Monday and I’m just going to throw everything in my office and not look at any of it for a week. Maybe the spirit will hit me again after that.

I hate to shop and it’s always been a joke between my husband and I about who the real girl is in our relationship because he loves to shop. So after spending most of the morning finishing my online shopping I tried to take a nap but couldn’t sleep to save my life and at this point, I think I really need to save my life. I’ve got a really bad sinus infection and since it’s wintertime the air is so dry that my nasal passages are dry and cracked and every time I blow my nose I get a nosebleed. My face is like a desert Joshua Tree. I’ve tried using aloe, a prescription face moisturizer, CeraVe, Aquafor, Ponds and nothing helps. Everything makes my poor face burn like I’ve been set on fire. I finally broke down and called my dermatologist today. She told me to buy a humidifier, to use a water based facial cleanser, to only wash my skin every three days, to quit taking my psoriasis meds and my allergy meds, and she called in a new moisturizer that I can only get by prescription.  This is ridiculous. She said it has something to do with my autoimmune, the weather, the infection, blah, blah, blah. I did go to CVS and bought a humidifier. $75 but it’s a nice one I guess and I had a coupon for $8 off. That’s always a plus, when you can save money when shopping. I love that.

My baby boy came over this evening and went shopping with me so I wouldn’t have to go alone.  I always adore it when he hangs with me and helps me out.  I bought him a cake.  It’s kind of our deal.  He deals with my bullshit of going to 6 places to get crap done in one day and I buy him cake as a reward.  We also stopped at the Mongolian BBQ place and got take out. It’s one of our favorite things to do.  We load up, come home, unpack the shopping bags, and then eat our Chinese food. It’s like our reward for being out in 5 degree weather.  The best part is that I get to catch up on everything going on in his life and he holds nothing back.  He tells me about people who make comments about gay people in front of him without knowing he’s gay. He tells me that sometimes he just wants to tell some fat ass to leave him alone.  The best is that he always tells me he loves me.

My baby girl will be turning 21 on Monday. I’m so proud of her. I have some surprises for her, I’m excited to see her get her gifts.  She’s been sad lately and there is nothing worse for a mother than when her child feels sadness and she can do nothing about it but support that child. That’s all I try to do. Listen and support.

Sunday is a huge day for me and the hussy. 27 years together! I always get super stoked for this anniversary. He makes my heart happy.

So that’s about it today. No huge rant, nothing major. I’m sick, my doggy is sick, I’m over Christmas already, but I’m still fairly happy tonight. I hope you all had a lovely week.

 

Accountability

I’m a firm believer that people should be held accountable for their actions for every action has a reaction.  I know several people in my life are struggling with this concept right now.  Many of my friends and family have found themselves exiled from my circle.  Most, without an explanation, or without a perceived explanation from me.  You see, I did warn them.  I posted several messages before and after the recent Presidential election letting people know I would not keep people in my life if they voted for the Republican candidate Rapey J. Cheeto (you’ll be hard-pressed for me to ever use his real name).

I believe in accountability.  I feel like people who say “Oh I don’t agree with his racism, misogyny, bigotry, homophobia, and lies; I just voted for change” are willful hypocrites. I am a rape survivor and you voted for someone who believes raping women is “locker room sport”.  I have a gay son and you voted for someone who believes homosexuals should be electrocuted until they become straight again.  I have African-American family members and you voted for someone who said minorities were rapists and criminals.  I am disabled and you voted for someone who publicly made fun of a disabled man on national television.  My husband is a Union Steelworker and you voted for someone who said Unions are useless, that union workers need to work more and talk less, someone who attacked an American worker for no reason and caused him to get death threats.

Just admit you don’t care about others and you’re a selfish person.  It’s okay, he made it okay for you to embrace your secret feelings that we “others” are not your people, we are not equal to you, and; in being worthless, you need not treat us with the same respect and privileges that you enjoy.  Rapey  Cheeto has made it okay for you to embrace your hatred and bigotry and hold it dear.  He encouraged you to vote for it and to deny it in front of your peers and use God and Change as your excuses for doing so.

You claimed for the last eight years that the problem was a black man in the White House but you weren’t racist because you have black friends.  Your party believes that people should continue to be poor and uneducated because those people are their core voters, easily duped, just as you were.  Just look at where you are now.  Your Rapey Cheeto is up on Treason charges just this morning.

So yes, I deleted you from my life and have no plans to change that.  My cut off game is strong too, just ask my mother.  I cannot and will not allow your selfishness to influence the way I live.  I will not pretend that we can be friends when I know who you really are behind your bullshit and rhetoric.

The 2016 Presidential Election was a test of DECENCY and you failed.

 

 

 

 

Welcome

Welcome to the Obstinate Life. Here I will be writing often about daily life, politics, food, children, etc. I’ll probably post things that piss  me off a lot.  I do not write to seek validation. I do not write to change you.  I do not write to seek your opinion although it’s always welcome as long as you understand, if I don’t like it, I’ll not post it.  I write for me. I write to stay sane in this crazy place we live in today.

Take a look around, you might find something useful, laughable, sad, happy, enlightening, maybe even enraging.