Provoking Love

I shove him away from me but he forces himself into my space once again.  There is a wholeness I feel with him but it makes me feel like I’m insane.  I don’t want this.  I feel as if this love is too slick.  This love is too good.  This love can’t last.

I lower my eyes and whisper that I want him gone and he screams back at me to make him.  He’s enraged and it’s completely childish.  My mind is colliding with my heart and I begin laughing into the dark room.  I can’t set limits with this man.  I can’t seem to care about setting limits with him anymore.

I try to walk away, I’m at wits end but he pushes me back against a cool wall. He leans into my face, his words sound distant but I know he wants to continue this fight with me. He knows I abhor this kind of behavior. I don’t know why I continually allow him to do it. I don’t tolerate this sort of thing from anyone else and I never have.  His argument settles and is no longer childish He turns intellectual and introspective.

I fall down utterly exhausted but he grabs my arms and pulls me to my feet.  He stares into my eyes.  He expects me to answer him but I can’t even recall him ever asking me a question.

I succumb to the anxiety creeping in and just say no.  He screams yes across my cheeks.  His voice is hard with an edge that makes my heart race and my fingers numb.  It gives me chills and my blood dances up my neck turning everything red.  My body responds to him, to his anger.  I try to focus on him, on what he’s saying to me and one thing becomes clear in that moment.

This man provokes love in me and I’m beginning to crave it.  I’m overcome with embarrassment. This is too close to manipulation. I need to leave him behind and move on.  I cannot allow him to continue provoking love in me any longer.

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