Awake

It’s 3 a.m. for the third night in a row and I can’t sleep even with the pain meds and sleeping meds I’ve taken. My mind won’t shut off.

I’m looking forward to going to a comedy show with my husband Friday night but I know I need to get plenty of rest so that I can have a good time. It’s not as if I’m working too hard. I basically clean up the house, play with the dogs, cook, and write every day. There are odd days I have appointments or go shopping but lately even that is blah to me.

I’ve gotten to the point where I don’t want to interact with anyone. I no longer want to even engage on a social level because I’m so disappointed in society as a whole. I hear stupid comments about immigration. “Well, what about an illegal who commits murder in the U.S., don’t you care about the family of the victim?” No I don’t. I remember being given a book when I was about 7 years old. It was given to me to explain to me why something happened to me and why I needed to “get over it”. It was called “Why Bad Things Happen to Good People”. It’s a good read, for all ages, I suggest anyone who tries to use the above excuse for immigration reform read it and then try to explain to a domestic rape victim why immigration reform is more important than Welfare Reform, Sex Abuse Reform, Prison Reform, Foster Care Reform, etc. Explain to a domestic born victim/survivor why immigration reform is given more importance than catching/penalizing domestic perpetrators. You can’t because you know deep down, it’s a race issue. It has nothing to do with them being here illegally, it has everything to do with them being “brown”.

I no longer want to engage in a society who sit back and allow others to talk shit about and take away basic human rights from children. From fucking children, people! I remember high school. Do you? It was a complete shit show and that was before being transgender was allowed to see some sunlight. President Obama during his administration laid foundations and it was all just bulldozed yesterday. I mean are you all that worried that these children in these schools are predators? Really? Where are your statistics that back up your choices? How many transgender/gay kids have raped or assaulted other kids in bathrooms at schools, libraries, malls, burger shacks, etc.? Are you that insecure in your own sexuality that you so blatantly let it bleed all over our children?

What’s more sickening to me, what really makes me want to just stay in bed, blow my brains out, blow someone else’s brains out is that this was discussed before so many voted for this motherfucker. People in my own family, gay people in my own family defended this motherfucker. “Oh, he likes gay and transgender people. He supports the community. Peter Theil spoke for him at the RNC. Jackie Evancho has a transgender sister and she sang at his inauguration. He’ll protect gay and transgender kids.”

What fucking say you now? Try and defend your position. I’ll tell you what I said then. Peter Theil, yes he may be gay but he doesn’t want to be. He never wanted to be outed and he never came out himself. In fact, he sued a news outlet to the point they had to close because they couldn’t afford the judgement against them when he was done suing them for outing him in their publication. He never wanted the world to know he was gay. He is not “out and proud”. He uses it now to fool the gay community into voting Republican and it worked. Jackie, she’s a 16 year old kid who got paid millions because she was the only performer willing to sing at Rapey Cheeto’s swearing in. Her transgender sister did not attend the ceremony with the rest of her family. Jackie, today, tweeted the Rapey Cheeto to say how sad and disappointed and heartbroken she is and that she feels betrayed. Boo fucking hoo.

I’m angry. I’m sad. It’s not just about immigrants. It’s not just about transgender and gay kids. It’s not even just about my rights as a female in this country. It’s stupid shit, small shit. Like now it takes 7 to 14 weeks to get a straight tax return. Like military families have no lost their on-base daycare. Like people who are paralyzed and have been for 10 years are now being forced to refile for disability benefits to prove they aren’t scamming the system. Like they are shutting down PBS but still paying $500k a day for Rapey Cheeto First Lady and Son to live in New York. Like Rapey Cheeto says he walked into a mess from the Obama years but if it was such a damn mess, how he has had time to take a vacation every single weekend for the last 4 weeks? Like his first week in office, his first military operation approval, U.S. Troops killed 23 women and children in a foreign land, a land they had no permission to be in. The White House released a statement saying only “It was a success and we lost a hero Navy Seal.” Is that us? Is that the American people now? We no longer apologize for friendly fire? For loss of life?

At this point, I don’t feel connected to anyone or anything anymore. I feel like nothing America is supposed to stand for is true anymore.  It’s disturbing that I still have people in my life who question continually why I’m still not socializing with them. I learn every single day the difference between me and anyone who supported this. If you can’t figure it out, it only validates what I know.

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