Motivation with Depression

Yesterday I had absolutely no motivation to do anything at all. I didn’t even want to drink water to reach my goal and I was late for breakfast with my family because I was playing around with my dogs and just couldn’t get motivated to leave. I did make it to breakfast and had a great time so I’m glad I went. We went back to the french bistro Susie’s downtown and it was just as lovely as it was the first time. The food is excellent. It’s pricey to be sure, but well worth it on occasion.

I ended up coming home and sleeping most of the day. I think I did two loads of laundry all day and I didn’t fold them until almost 10 p.m. I didn’t even cook dinner. Mental illness is a strange thing. I know it contributes to about 90% of my motivation and attitude. I know it, yet I feel like I can’t do anything about it. When I’m low like this, I feel like I have 200 lb weights on my shoulders. Just thinking about getting up makes my head pound. My self doubt speaks to me at a volume I’ve never even listened to music to. Ha, good analogy right? I know my mental illness affects everything I do and how I live every day. I know how important it is to take my medications religiously and on time, some days though, I have -5 fucks to give about any of it.

The surprising thing for me about waking up and feeling so low is that I had a great week. The renovation has started. Now granted, the house looks like shit, but my sister-in-law was a huge blessing yesterday. She just kept telling me it’s growing pains and by the end it will look stunning. I really appreciated that and I hope she knows she was a bright spot in my dark day.

The renovation started and I was like “huh, this isn’t so bad”, day 3 and I was over it. I literally sit with the dogs all day and try to keep them calm with a bunch of noises going on that they don’t understand and have never heard. It really is tough, it’s a chore. When I saw the space my new washer and dryer will be in though I cried. I’m so darned happy about this and I’m super excited to see the end product.

The weatherman is shitting on my parade though and has called for rain for Monday through Thursday this coming up week. Great. I guess the crew has some stuff they can do inside so they aren’t worried about it slowing them down much and I hope that’s the case but it wouldn’t be their fault if it ends up going to the rain.

The front of the house ½ stone wall has been torn off, the cement porch has been torn off, the living room floor joist has been repaired, the laundry room floor has been jacked up, leveled, and stabilized (this I have enjoyed more than I thought I would. I walk across it now and am like “oh my gosh the whole room doesn’t shake”, and the laundry room has been expanded by about 5 feet. It’s all so ugly right now, but she’s right, it will be beautiful. I can’t wait to show you all. Steve and I are taking, before-progressing-and after pictures, check out my album on my facebook page. Crystal Porter-Smyers.

The husband and I had to go price out some renovation materials at Lowe’s so he stopped at Cane’s when we finished and brought dinner home to me. I’ve never been a fan of Cane’s until last night. I used to openly talk about how much I didn’t care for their food but last night I tried their hot sauce with the chicken and it made a world of difference for me. Their hot sauce is amazing! I’m in love.

Today is a completely different day. Today I woke up early and hit the ground running. Well, maybe a mall walk would be more apt of a description, but the point is I got up and started cleaning the house. I had to google how to clean bacon grease off of plastic bowls/dishes and it said to fill my sink ½ full with hot water, add dishes, and then add 2 cups of white vinegar. Let sit for 15 minutes, add some Dawn dish detergent to my wash cloth (not a sponge) and scrub the bowls/dishes good, rinse with hot water, and dry immediately. Oh my gosh, it worked. Everything is squeaky clean and I couldn’t be happier about it. I make Steve bacon and eggs for his work breakfast every morning and he heats it at work and eats there since he goes in so early. The trade off is I get back the bacon greased bowls he uses and then I have to figure out how to properly clean them. Today I had had it, I learned how to clean them properly. I’m very proud.

I made myself lunch and I’ve been keeping track of my water and caloric intake. I feel good, I feel strong. Today is also my quit date for smoking. I know, I know didn’t I quit several months ago? Yes, and I restarted about a month ago. But today, today I’ve quit again and hopes be damned, I want it to be for the last time. My husband though is an accidental sadist. I get up, I feel great, I feel strong and then I see a pack of cigarettes laying on the kitchen island. What? The? Actual? Fuck? He forgot his pack when leaving for work. He felt awful about it. That’s okay though because remember, I feel good, I feel strong. I put them in a drawer and have not touched them. Have I thought about touching them? Sure have. But I haven’t and I am proud I can practice at least a little bit of willpower.

Today I am smoke free. Today I am completing goals with my food and water intake. Today I am cleaning my house up a bit. Today I threw away a bunch of junk. Today I found my black kitty cat slippers. Today I spent over an hour chatting on Facebook messenger with my little brother whom I adore. Who knows what my mental illness will bring tomorrow but today I’m grateful it brought me sunshine and motivation.

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Feeling Better

Since starting the ketogenic lifestyle changes I feel better. Not just in mind and spirit, but in body. I feel more limber? Is that weird? My back pain has not gone away and neither has my fibromyalgia and migraines but I feel the pain from them less than I did say a month ago. In mind and spirit I just feel more like myself. I don’t know if that makes sense to you but it does to me. I consider myself to be sassy and sweet with a wicked intelligence and sarcasm. I feel more like myself than I have in a really long time. I don’t feel the weight of depression and anxiety drowning me every second of every day.

I see a new Neurologist tomorrow, I hope I like him. I love the one I see already but he doesn’t work at Ohio State and I really just want to transfer all of my care to one provider and I like Ohio State so far and all they’ve done for me. My spine/pain clinic doctor recommended this neurologist and I’m excited about the possible switch, tomorrow is more like an interview to see if I like him and if he continue to give me the same level of care my current neurologist does.

I also have appointments with the Throat Disorders Clinic, the Sleep Clinic, and Gastroenterology at OSU in the coming months. I’m happy they are so pressed to get my issues taken care of and get me on the right track to being the healthiest I can be.

I want to give a real update on Ernie our new doggy Boxweiler. I know I post pics of he and the boys but I wanted to actually document how things are going. Things are going great. I can’t believe how easily he has assimilated into our lifestyles. He and our two boys who are bonded really do fit like 3 peas in a pod. We have had no major issues on any front since bringing him home. I am so happy he has fit like a missing puzzle piece in our lives. He is incredibly sweet and polite it’s hilarious. I’m used to my boys being rude and pushy and he’s learning bad habits from them but it’s cute.

I think Steve and I are going swimming today so I’m super excited about that. Basically all I need to do now to get ready for the renovations beginning on Monday is clean off the front porch. I have two huge concrete planters out there that I think I’m going to have to throw away which is almost heartbreaking for me because Zach and Britani painted them for me when they were little kids. I have cherished them as I would any other thing they had given me. Shoot, I still have all of Zach’s high school pottery projects in my new curio/hutch in the spare bedroom. I still have a burlap sack banner project Britani made for me at summer camp when she was 11. I guess I may have hoarded a few things but they are special. So back to the planters, one is actually broken, Steve backed into it with his truck several years ago. It’s still standing though even with a huge crack down the side. I should probably just throw them away and say fuck it, I have so much from the kids already, these two planters shouldn’t cause me so much mental strain.

My biggest issue right now is where am I going to put my mailbox for the next two weeks? I actually can’t wait to throw it away. It’s this janky old mailbox that came with the house 20 years ago. I cant wait to get rid of it, two more weeks! In the meantime the mailman said to nail it to a post and plant the post in the front yard so he can get to it. WTF, how am I supposed to get a post in the yard and where?! I mean I don’t know yet how much space is going to be used up for the renovations. I may just put it at the corner of the drive way but I’ll have to be careful so my packages and mail doesn’t get wet if it rains. The mailbox is under our covered side of the porch right now and it won’t be come Monday. I hate wet mail. I really do. It should be right up there with wearing wet shoes, or eating bland pasta. Wet mail, blah.

Okay, I’ve gone on and on enough. Oh one last thing, if you are watching Sharp Objects on HBO with Amy Adams, may I suggest you read the book first, or also. The book is great and it’s by the same author as Gone Girl. Pretty great stuff.

Have a lovely week people. I certainly will.

Weight Loss

I’ve lost a total of 6 lbs in about 3 weeks. I know I could be more strict on the Ketogenic way of life but I can recognize that 6 lbs in 3 weeks is very good. My doctor told me that this is ideal for where I want to be in a year. So I’m happy and the happier I am, the more I’ll work towards my goals. Even my husband has noticed a weight loss, a change in the way his clothes fit. I’m ecstatic that he’s decided to change the way he eats with me. And hey, it’s not so bad. He gets to eat eggs and bacon every morning and fruit and cheese for lunch.

We are gearing up for our renovations, everything starts in 1 week and I’m relieved and excited that it’s going to happen finally. My firm wish is for everything to go smoothly and quickly and that we can have it done in a week in a half to two weeks as planned. My hope is that I love it and that I never want to change it again. I’m most excited about the possibility of moving the washer and dryer to the newly expanded spot in the laundry room. Where they are right now is just not viable in the future. Anyway, I’m excited to get started. It’s a lot of money but I think the house will look amazing.

It’s been hot as Hades outside. Steve is looking at gazebos to possibly place on the deck or in the back yard so I can sit in the shade with my pups while the work is going on. I can’t have them in the house every day.

That’s it, that’s me for the next few weeks. I’ll take before and after pictures of the work being done and post them so you all can see what changes we’re making. I hope you’re all doing lovely and having a super flaming hot summer, like we are.