Motivation with Depression

Yesterday I had absolutely no motivation to do anything at all. I didn’t even want to drink water to reach my goal and I was late for breakfast with my family because I was playing around with my dogs and just couldn’t get motivated to leave. I did make it to breakfast and had a great time so I’m glad I went. We went back to the french bistro Susie’s downtown and it was just as lovely as it was the first time. The food is excellent. It’s pricey to be sure, but well worth it on occasion.

I ended up coming home and sleeping most of the day. I think I did two loads of laundry all day and I didn’t fold them until almost 10 p.m. I didn’t even cook dinner. Mental illness is a strange thing. I know it contributes to about 90% of my motivation and attitude. I know it, yet I feel like I can’t do anything about it. When I’m low like this, I feel like I have 200 lb weights on my shoulders. Just thinking about getting up makes my head pound. My self doubt speaks to me at a volume I’ve never even listened to music to. Ha, good analogy right? I know my mental illness affects everything I do and how I live every day. I know how important it is to take my medications religiously and on time, some days though, I have -5 fucks to give about any of it.

The surprising thing for me about waking up and feeling so low is that I had a great week. The renovation has started. Now granted, the house looks like shit, but my sister-in-law was a huge blessing yesterday. She just kept telling me it’s growing pains and by the end it will look stunning. I really appreciated that and I hope she knows she was a bright spot in my dark day.

The renovation started and I was like “huh, this isn’t so bad”, day 3 and I was over it. I literally sit with the dogs all day and try to keep them calm with a bunch of noises going on that they don’t understand and have never heard. It really is tough, it’s a chore. When I saw the space my new washer and dryer will be in though I cried. I’m so darned happy about this and I’m super excited to see the end product.

The weatherman is shitting on my parade though and has called for rain for Monday through Thursday this coming up week. Great. I guess the crew has some stuff they can do inside so they aren’t worried about it slowing them down much and I hope that’s the case but it wouldn’t be their fault if it ends up going to the rain.

The front of the house ½ stone wall has been torn off, the cement porch has been torn off, the living room floor joist has been repaired, the laundry room floor has been jacked up, leveled, and stabilized (this I have enjoyed more than I thought I would. I walk across it now and am like “oh my gosh the whole room doesn’t shake”, and the laundry room has been expanded by about 5 feet. It’s all so ugly right now, but she’s right, it will be beautiful. I can’t wait to show you all. Steve and I are taking, before-progressing-and after pictures, check out my album on my facebook page. Crystal Porter-Smyers.

The husband and I had to go price out some renovation materials at Lowe’s so he stopped at Cane’s when we finished and brought dinner home to me. I’ve never been a fan of Cane’s until last night. I used to openly talk about how much I didn’t care for their food but last night I tried their hot sauce with the chicken and it made a world of difference for me. Their hot sauce is amazing! I’m in love.

Today is a completely different day. Today I woke up early and hit the ground running. Well, maybe a mall walk would be more apt of a description, but the point is I got up and started cleaning the house. I had to google how to clean bacon grease off of plastic bowls/dishes and it said to fill my sink ½ full with hot water, add dishes, and then add 2 cups of white vinegar. Let sit for 15 minutes, add some Dawn dish detergent to my wash cloth (not a sponge) and scrub the bowls/dishes good, rinse with hot water, and dry immediately. Oh my gosh, it worked. Everything is squeaky clean and I couldn’t be happier about it. I make Steve bacon and eggs for his work breakfast every morning and he heats it at work and eats there since he goes in so early. The trade off is I get back the bacon greased bowls he uses and then I have to figure out how to properly clean them. Today I had had it, I learned how to clean them properly. I’m very proud.

I made myself lunch and I’ve been keeping track of my water and caloric intake. I feel good, I feel strong. Today is also my quit date for smoking. I know, I know didn’t I quit several months ago? Yes, and I restarted about a month ago. But today, today I’ve quit again and hopes be damned, I want it to be for the last time. My husband though is an accidental sadist. I get up, I feel great, I feel strong and then I see a pack of cigarettes laying on the kitchen island. What? The? Actual? Fuck? He forgot his pack when leaving for work. He felt awful about it. That’s okay though because remember, I feel good, I feel strong. I put them in a drawer and have not touched them. Have I thought about touching them? Sure have. But I haven’t and I am proud I can practice at least a little bit of willpower.

Today I am smoke free. Today I am completing goals with my food and water intake. Today I am cleaning my house up a bit. Today I threw away a bunch of junk. Today I found my black kitty cat slippers. Today I spent over an hour chatting on Facebook messenger with my little brother whom I adore. Who knows what my mental illness will bring tomorrow but today I’m grateful it brought me sunshine and motivation.

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