Comfort In Pain

Comfort in Pain

Let it Hurt.

Let it Bleed.

Let it Heal.

Let it Go. – Nikita Gill

I’ve always found comfort in my pain. When it hurts you know it’s been real and very rarely in life are things real. Think about that for a few minutes. Think about how many times you’ve felt betrayed by someone who turned out to be a fake friend, how many lovers have you sunk faith into that turned into cheaters? How many coworkers did you back up who turned into lazy users? It happens to everyone, none of us leave this life unscathed.

I love the quote above because it reminds you that pain is a process to healing. A lot of people get stuck in the comfort of their pain. I do. It’s easier to wallow in it. It feels almost good to mope around with it because of the attention you get with it.

I think it’s healthiest though to let it hurt, whatever it is, just let it in and let it consume you. Let it make you scream. Let it make you weep. Let it break your heart because if you just try to seal up the tiny cracks for a little while, just bottle it up for the now, you’ll seek release elsewhere in destructive behaviors.

Let it bleed and by this I mean let the rage out where it needs to be directed. If someone cheats on you, tell them all the ways they’ve hurt you, all the ways they’ve betrayed you. Tell them their word is no longer any good to you, that you’ll never be able to trust anything they say to you again. If someone hurts you, bleed it out on them, let them know, don’t let them walk away as if they had no part of it. I often write about accountability and I truly believe it’s the downfall of our society that we no longer hold anyone accountable for their actions. Every single person should know when they do something hurtful. Bleed it out.

Let yourself heal. They say time heals all wounds. I don’t believe that. I do believe that invigorating your mind, your heart, your body heals all wounds especially those of the soul. Don’t wallow in your self pity. Read a book, learn something new, take a class, date someone, fuck, just talk to someone new, get something crafty, be silly, dance, sing, heal. A side note to this, you don’t have to do it alone, but don’t do it with the person/people who fucked you over to begin with. When you walk away, walk away strong.

Let it go. I struggle with this. I’m sure you’ve read from my previous posts, I don’t believe people truly forgive others. It’s because we retain memory. Memory is a bitch. It forces us to acknowledge every bad thing that’s happened or been said and you just can’t take it back and you can say a million times you forgive, but you don’t, not truly, and it’s because you can’t truly forget. Think about any time you’ve said forgive and forget and then gotten into another spat with that person, you went back to what you said you forgave and forgot right? We all do. We all do.

I tell my son and daughter often, You Teach People How To Treat You. This is one of the best lessons in life to give everyone yet it takes so much time for people to actually heed the words, to learn what it means. If you allow someone to constantly use and manipulate you into doing or being what they want, you’ll never be happy. You are teaching them to treat you like a doormat, you’re telling them it’s okay to cheat on you, to call you names, to be shady, to withhold their love, etc. You are making it okay and why would they change when you complain? You’ve taught them that you’ll stay, you’ll keep coming back even if they don’t change. You give no real consequences to their bad behavior. You’ve taught them to treat you badly. The only thing you can do, is let them go. Be honest about your feelings, be honest about it never really going to be able to work because the history is too rife with discord and that’s the way to honestly let it go.

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Frienemies

I gave you money when you needed it. We took each other to doctors appointments. We vacationed together. We spent holidays and shared gifts with each other. I helped you in every way you ever asked. You ate at my table literally every day for almost 17 years.

And her, I kept her every secret for 30 years. I supported her and covered for her every time she needed me. I was her shoulder to cry on and I was her champion when she was felt low. I went to court with her, I listened to her, I went out of my way to make sure she was okay, I introduced you two because I thought you might be good for each other.

For the last year you’ve both acted like I was the problem. You both want to act like the last 17 and 30 years collectively have meant absolutely nothing because you’re so afraid that what you’ve built is a lie. You’ve pretended like the times you’ve shared with my family and the times I’ve shared with your families haven’t mattered. You have both hurt me, my children, our other mutual friends and I’m done allowing you both to pretend like it’s okay to stalk my blog and social media, make comments to my other acquaintances, send me bullshit texts, and in general be a couple of ass clowns. She doesn’t like that I know all her deepest, darkest secrets but let’s face it, neither do you. More to the point for both of you, they are pretty horrible secrets.

The ink is barely dry on her divorce decree, less than a month and you’re running down the aisle to lock it in, do you think it will make a difference when she cheats on you like she has all the others? I get it, I do, I’ve known you both way too long for either of you to keep me in your lives, eventually one of you would ask me a question about the other and then it would all come crumbling down, all of your deluded fantasies about each other. I’m not blameless. No one in these situations ever is. I’ve apologized and moved on and it’s time for you two to do the same.

Here’s a fantastic way to get you started: since you have a problem with what I write and you so desperately want to believe every single thing I write is about you, stop reading it. Stop stalking my shit, it’s only going to get worse for you, it’s over, truly, it’ll never go back to any reasonable way it used to be, I mean it really is true, with friends like you, who needs enemies?

It reminds me a bit of the Ides of March, fitting since it just passed. “Beware the Ides of March” or “Et Tu, Brute?”, both historically significant and relevant even today. It’s all about being betrayed by a great friend. It’s all about wishing you had been warned before it had happened.

Roman Dictator Julius Cesar was warned by a soothsayer early in the year 44 BC of his imminent death that he would die by the 15th of March. While walking to meet his friend Brutus he passed the soothsayer on the street and made reference happily to it being the Ides of March and yet he still lived. The soothsayer warned again cryptically that the day was not over. By days end Julius was dead by the hand of his Senators and best mate and Rome was changed forever. As he lay dying he cried out “Et Tu, Brute?” (You too, Brutus?)

I’ve had those knives tear into the flesh of my every emotion but I was luckier than Cesar, I survived the both of you. I am stronger for going through it. I was warned so many times about the two of you and I railed against it. I found out in the end though, Frienemies is real shit.