Validation

How do you seek validation? Each of us must in little or big ways depending seek out validation for the lives we live be it online in social interactions or in our partners/kids.

Myself, I prefer to seek validation in close people in my life. I do this by simply being myself and striving every day to make myself a little better, a little more caring about the struggles of those close to me and I try often to make those I love lives a little better, even in small ways. I’m not always successful, and I’m flawed in many ways, but I try and I think that, at the end of each day, comes across and is all that really matters and that in itself validates me.

I believe wholeheartedly in taking accountability. I think it’s healthiest to stop looking at strangers online for your own personal self worth. I don’t as a rule typically air my grievances or complaints on social media outlets such as Twitter or Facebook. It does no one any good and it’s hardly worth the the five minute high you might get from “likes” or “comments”, it can become addictive and then all you’re left with is a void you constantly have to fill with drama and strife.

It’s almost impossible to stay positive in the world as it is today and still receive positive reinforcement, but if you follow some simple rules, you can eliminate some major stressors and begin to live the life you really want.

  1. Instead of seeking advice from social media contacts, do some research on Google from reliable sources. This is so helpful you won’t believe the results.
  2. Start ignoring posts promoting drama and negativity. Seriously, read it and skip it. Don’t like it, don’t comment on it, don ‘t repost it, skip it. You’ll feel better and you won’t dwell on it.
  3. Try to clean up your friends lists. Some people I’ve seen have 1k and 2k friends on their lists, do you really know and keep up with that many people? No, none of us do and it just leaves you open to more doorways of negativity. Get rid of anyone you don’t have a personal good relationship with.
  4. Don’t be afraid to block people. Even if it’s someone in your family. If they are a negative influence or a person who constantly starts drama do not feel beholden to continue to allow them to view your page and make comments to others, it always gets back to you!
  5. Do small things every day for those you truly love to fulfill your own validation meter. It can be as simple as folding your husband’s laundry, or getting your child a cup of juice. Just make small time, it will make you feel better because they feel better.
  6. Stop expecting “thank you”, just assume it’s implied! I can’t stress this enough. Expectation is the root of all evil, it burrows in the mind and destroys love. It’s not a stretch to assume someone, everyone is grateful for the things you do for them. Be conceited, yes! You did that and they are thankful, ha.

I hope some of this helps you learn how to find solace and happiness when you feel a little low. I know most of us wander around in life feeling like no one sees us and no one appreciates us but it’s simply not true. Someone has seen you, someone is grateful for you, for the small and big things you’ve done for them. Someone loves you, someone would be lost without you and you don’t need Social Media to know this every single day.

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Frienemies

I gave you money when you needed it. We took each other to doctors appointments. We vacationed together. We spent holidays and shared gifts with each other. I helped you in every way you ever asked. You ate at my table literally every day for almost 17 years.

And her, I kept her every secret for 30 years. I supported her and covered for her every time she needed me. I was her shoulder to cry on and I was her champion when she was felt low. I went to court with her, I listened to her, I went out of my way to make sure she was okay, I introduced you two because I thought you might be good for each other.

For the last year you’ve both acted like I was the problem. You both want to act like the last 17 and 30 years collectively have meant absolutely nothing because you’re so afraid that what you’ve built is a lie. You’ve pretended like the times you’ve shared with my family and the times I’ve shared with your families haven’t mattered. You have both hurt me, my children, our other mutual friends and I’m done allowing you both to pretend like it’s okay to stalk my blog and social media, make comments to my other acquaintances, send me bullshit texts, and in general be a couple of ass clowns. She doesn’t like that I know all her deepest, darkest secrets but let’s face it, neither do you. More to the point for both of you, they are pretty horrible secrets.

The ink is barely dry on her divorce decree, less than a month and you’re running down the aisle to lock it in, do you think it will make a difference when she cheats on you like she has all the others? I get it, I do, I’ve known you both way too long for either of you to keep me in your lives, eventually one of you would ask me a question about the other and then it would all come crumbling down, all of your deluded fantasies about each other. I’m not blameless. No one in these situations ever is. I’ve apologized and moved on and it’s time for you two to do the same.

Here’s a fantastic way to get you started: since you have a problem with what I write and you so desperately want to believe every single thing I write is about you, stop reading it. Stop stalking my shit, it’s only going to get worse for you, it’s over, truly, it’ll never go back to any reasonable way it used to be, I mean it really is true, with friends like you, who needs enemies?

It reminds me a bit of the Ides of March, fitting since it just passed. “Beware the Ides of March” or “Et Tu, Brute?”, both historically significant and relevant even today. It’s all about being betrayed by a great friend. It’s all about wishing you had been warned before it had happened.

Roman Dictator Julius Cesar was warned by a soothsayer early in the year 44 BC of his imminent death that he would die by the 15th of March. While walking to meet his friend Brutus he passed the soothsayer on the street and made reference happily to it being the Ides of March and yet he still lived. The soothsayer warned again cryptically that the day was not over. By days end Julius was dead by the hand of his Senators and best mate and Rome was changed forever. As he lay dying he cried out “Et Tu, Brute?” (You too, Brutus?)

I’ve had those knives tear into the flesh of my every emotion but I was luckier than Cesar, I survived the both of you. I am stronger for going through it. I was warned so many times about the two of you and I railed against it. I found out in the end though, Frienemies is real shit.

Rescind

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A verb meaning to declare null and void, or to take back. Words. I think Eminem said it best in his song “Sing For The Moment”, the line goes: “I guess words are a motherfucker, they can be great or they can degrade, or even worse, they can teach hate.”
When I was a kid I used to just spout off whatever came to my head when I was angry with someone close to me, not caring how they would feel, not even caring if what I said was truly something I felt or even a true statement. I just wanted them to hurt and I always accomplished my task. It was worse for anyone who crossed me who didn’t really know me, people who I could give two fucks about at the end of each day. If I took one lesson from living with my mother as a child, it was how to abuse and degrade someone to the point of breaking with mere words.
As an adult I’m a little skittish with people in general. I don’t put myself “out there” so to speak because I don’t believe people as a whole or even individually are inherently good. We all have a propensity for both good and evil. It’s all about if you wake up and decide to stay in the light that particular day and it can change day by day. I’ve suffered from unimaginable evil and the darkness that lingers there has changed the way I would have looked at the world. I see the shadows in the rainbows and I live in them comfortably.
I don’t bow to anyone. I don’t break. Even in my quiet as you throw your tantrum I’m thinking in my mind all the horrible things I want to say to you and I’m laughing. It’s not something I can help, I’ve tried, but then I embraced it. I don’t have to enjoy this aspect of my personality but I’m good at it and it protects me, so I continue to deploy it when I need it.
I revel in it when I’m pushed because as I sit there right on the edge of telling you everything you think you so desperately need to hear from me, I know, I know deep down how horrified you’ll be when my mouth opens and out bleeds this depraved thing and it’s searching. It’s searching for you and it wants to eat you whole, it wants to pick the flesh from your bones, it wishes your brain could live through it so you’d know, so you’d feel the pain of it. It’s hungry. You have no idea the things it wants to say to you to make you understand just how much you’ve angered it. The words would stick to you like a long slimy tongue licking you up the side of your face from the mangled monsters mouth. You’d never be able to wipe it off. You’d be marked from it forever. You’d know how serious it was by its soft low tone. You’d run. You’d stammer and apologize making yourself small and doing what you could to just to get away. These are things I know because this dark trespasser lives within me.
So I grew up a little. I matured a lot. I decided letting this monster alone with you just isn’t beneficial to me anymore. It took some practice and I had to fight my trespasser for control.
II know that words matter. I know inflection matters. I know it’s important to be clear in limits and goals for every relationship. I know if I say something painful to you that it may stay with you. Just like I know if you say hurtful things to me it sticks in my head. I may say I forgive but I don’t, not really. I don’t think humans truly do forgive anyway. It’s because we have memories and are able to recall those memories at will and well let’s be honest, sometimes not so willfully. We are unable to forget and therefore we can’t truly forgive. If you say you don’t care about me, or you think I’m ugly, I’ll always think of those two things first when you talk to me and it will influence my openness with you.
The saying is true, there are things you can say that you just can’t take back. People may say they forgive but they definitely never forget.

The Story of Obstinate

Sit down children and let me draw you a story with my words. There once was a beautiful Princess lost in the woods….

Just kidding, this isn’t that kind of story. This is the Story of Obstinate and how I came to be.

Many years ago I had a friend, a best friend I thought at the time. I did everything with this friend. We went to doctor’s appointments together, we raised our children together, we spent every holiday together, we played video games together, we even vacationed together, and every single night for 17 years this friend ate dinner at my table.

My husband and I decided to take a vacation in the fall this particular year, in the mountains. We asked our friend if he’d like to join us. He said of course! I booked our cabins and we packed up our ATV’s and we headed out for a long weekend.

We were probably only about 2 hours into our road trip portion of the super fun vacation when my friend did something he’d always done in the years I’d known him. He attempted to make me feel inferior to him. Usually I could take it in good fun and blow it off but in this particular moment I’d had a bit of a headache and decided it was time for him to finally admit that I was smarter than he was. I’d always been obtuse. I had never shied away from being mouthy, but now it was time for me to back up my bravado.

We argued over something pretty silly and I could tell my husband was getting a bit uncomfortable because he knew I was shamelessly leading my friend into a corner he couldn’t get out of. My husband has always known the scope of my education and intelligence, especially in times when I’m on fire. So I argued for the sake of winning and finally this friend told me that he didn’t think I was intelligent, he said he thought I was a Dumb Cunt. I corrected him and told him I wasn’t a cunt, I was being Obstinate.

He laughed and exclaimed loudly, “oh shit, see you have to make up fucking words to try and win an argument with me!” I told him in perfect calm that Obstinate was a word in the English Dictionary and he’d be wise to try and use it more often. He vehemently disagreed with much name calling and in general just trying to put me down. Even my husband tried to intervene and let him know it was in fact a real word. This friend just wouldn’t have it, he couldn’t face his truth in that moment that not only had I won the argument but I had proven to him once and for all my superiority in this friendship.

Some hours later during a horrendous thunderstorm somewhere in West Virginia my husband was grilling steaks in a small covered lodge next to our cabin. This good friend came out and sat down at a picnic table with his cell phone and after browsing Merriam-Webster Dictionary for a short while he looked at me. I knew it galled him. I could see it on his face. I knew he was angry at me and he should have been angry with himself for constantly over the years underestimating me and trying to keep me as some idea he had created in his head.

He turned away from me and said “so I guess now I”ll just call you an Obstinate Dumb Cunt.” I let him laugh it off that night but I knew something integral had changed in our friendship and would never be the same. You see, I’m attracted intrinsically to perspicacity in others. I lose interest quickly and tend to wilt visibly with the thought of mundane interactions. This is probably why my husband has been able to hold my interest for so long, he has a very high IQ and tends to keep himself educated on all issues be it music, books, politics, entertainment, etc. He seems to be the only person I actually seek out on a regular basis for a real conversation and he never disappoints me. The best thing about my husband is that when we have a discussion about anything at all, even if he thinks what I say might not be fact, he’ll look it up before he leaps. He doesn’t think I’m Obstinate at all but he laughs at the reference because he knows all the other words that can be used in it’s place, the same as I do, real ones, words.

I know words, I have always made it my business to know words and their meanings. I use words the right way every day and not just plain words, big words and I know it pisses people off and I don’t care, so maybe I am Obstinate, Adamant, Pertinacious, Unmovable, Refractory, Unflinching, Pigheaded, ha!

I feel like when people consistently use simple words to describe things and feelings they contribute to the “dumbing down” of society and that makes me incredibly sad. We have a plethora of beautiful, educational tools to boost our intelligence at the tips of our fingers, yet most of you are perfectly gratified using text abbreviations and emojis. You are contributing to making our children deficient.

That is the story of Obstinate, we did not all live happily ever after together. I now surround myself with people who appreciate intelligence and who help me see that I don’t have to pretend to be half-witted to have real lasting friendships. If you’d like to know more about me, check out the About Me page.

Obstinate xoxo

Off the Reservation

Anyone with Depression or Anxiety or Depression and Anxiety knows that when you take medication and it really works for you there are going to be times throughout treatment when something happens to fuck it all up. Be it, a doctor who thinks it’s time to change things up, you forget a few doses, or something as silly as you suddenly believe you’re cured and get rid of those pesky medications that keep you from having a break down of epic proportions.

I’m not sure how many people are actually cognizant of their mental illnesses or how much thought they put into their own mental healthcare. Myself, I do a lot of proactive work to stay stable. I know when things aren’t quite savvy with myself. I can feel this stranger inside me. I don’t have Schizophrenia. I don’t hear voices. I have Major Depression with Social Anxiety – severe type. I take a couple of medications on a daily basis to help normalize my behavior and stay a functioning adult in society. My anxiety is such that I break out into hives in public situations where I feel attention is being forced onto me. It can be as simple as someone asking me “How in the hell can you even tolerate the taste of Guacamole?” I try extremely hard to never forget a dose of medication, I try extremely hard to never put myself in situations that are too uncomfortable for me to deal with in a mature, sane manner. Mostly, I do this because I don’t like making others feel badly about my condition.

Recently, a specialist I see decided he would like to change things up for me to “see” how I do on a new medication. It’s not working out. Let me preface this by saying I was on a medication for about 8 years that worked for me, it really worked for me. I felt normal. I felt like I could handle my emotions. I felt like I could face anything calmly. I felt peaceful. Within two weeks of changing my medication I became irritable to the point of rage over simple things that I knew should not be setting me off. I’m cognizant of what’s happening and it’s as if I can’t stop it. I feel myself becoming irritated, depressed, edgy, anxious, and annoyed. I have a fast trigger and that’s just not who I am as a person. I have utterly felt Off The Reservation.

What do you do when this happens to you? Do you cut yourself off socially? Do you still go out and just apologize, expecting your friends and family know and tolerate it? Do you have a dark trespasser?

I myself stay home and read or write. I watch a lot of television. I play with my dogs. I try not to interact with my husband or friends a lot because I know me lashing out at them or getting hyper focused on issues is not their fault. I don’t make excuses for who I am without medication but I do make it clear that I do KNOW who I am without medication and I don’t feel like that person is really me, not the best me I can be. That person isn’t the one who likes to sing while she creates in the kitchen. That person doesn’t stick to any sort of schedule. She doesn’t try to make anyone happy, not even herself. This person cries at nothing and gets enraged at everything. She stays up late and then only sleeps a few hours at a time. She doesn’t engage proactively. She is a stranger to me and I don’t want to get to know her because like I said, she isn’t the best version of me.

I did go see the physician who made the switch and he didn’t seem bothered at all by my complaints. He told me to give it more time. At this point it had been a month of just feeling off. I scheduled an appointment to see my family physician. I had a good visit with him and he did this test, it’s a DNA test that tests your DNA against every medication available. It basically tells your doctor which medications are going to be genetically more compatible for you personally. It tells them which ones you will tolerate better metabolically and otherwise. I am awaiting those results and expect I’ll be as good as new soon. Fingers crossed. Until then I continue to write and basically stay away from anyone I love and care about because I’m a ticking bomb.

Pieces

Do you know?

Do you know he carries torn pieces of me with him?

Do you know he tore those pieces from me to carry with him always?

Do you know that he gives those torn pieces of me to you when he thinks of me while he’s with you?

Every hello, a piece. Every laugh, a pieces. Every song, a piece. Every book, a piece, Every movie, a piece. Every star, a piece. Every tear, a piece. Every smile, a piece. Every dinner, a piece. Every walk, a piece. Every nap, a piece. Every beer, a piece. Every haircut, a piece. Every ball thrown for the dog, a piece. Every kiss, a piece, Every goodbye, a piece. All of these pieces he tore from me to keep with him in hopes of always have a connection, a way back, absolution, mercy, grace.

He’ll never be able to tell you how much he loved me. He’ll never tell you about the songs he sang to me. He’ll never tell you about the dinners he made me. He’ll never tell you about the jewelry he bought me. He’ll never tell you about the secrets he told me. He’ll never tell you that the look in his eyes is because my favorite restaurant is also your favorite restaurant. He’ll never tell you about the children he raised with me. He’ll never tell you he misses me. He’ll never tell you he stole those pieces from me.

He breaks a little every time one of those tiny pieces slip out of his pocket and flickers in the soft breeze. He is fractured because he realizes now that he doesn’t have enough to make you into his vision of me anymore. He’s seared through too many of those pieces.

He could have taken all of me had I allowed it and you would still be just a poor man’s version of me because he never deserved me but oh, he deserves you, every single piece.

One Last Treat – Joel Rockey, CNN Hero 2017

Please accept my submission of Joel Rockey at One Last Treat for the CNN Hero Awards 2017.

Joel is originally from Michigan and he enlisted in the United States Navy in 2007. While in the Navy, he was a Hospital Corpsman attached to the Marine Corps’ 2/9 Sniper Platoon in Camp Lejeune, North Carolina. As a medic in the military, Joel found a great deal of satisfaction and passion in his job. He was awarded the “Navy and Marine Corp Achievement Medal with Valor” for bravery in combat while deployed in Afghanistan in 2010. He built relationships that will last his lifetime and saved many lives.

After leaving the military, Joel struggled to find that same passion he’d found as a Corpsman. He knew he loved animals, especially dogs and he loved his country. He knew he wanted to continue to help people and he knew he wanted to do that by helping animals too. He came up with a plan and enlisted the help of two friends and fellow Marine Combat Veterans Andrae Bandoo and James Plummer in becoming board members for his newly founded rescue. He called this rescue One Last Treat.

Joel has the compassion and foresight to see that senior dogs and cats everywhere, even “soon to be passing” animals need an advocate and a voice. What better voices than the Veterans in our nation?

He continuously fuels his spirit of giving by providing friendship, medical care, homes, voices, and yes, even love to those who are lost and forgotten (and I’m not just talking about the shelter animals he saves here). 

By doing this daily, he is making an impact for the betterment in the quality of life for the old souls he rescues and rehomes. This also impacts positively the quality of life for the United States Military Veterans and their families. With his programs like “Holiday With A Senior Shelter Pet”, “22 in 22” (utilizing Veterans to save a dog every day for 22 days to raise awareness of the number of Veterans who take their own lives everyday), “Treat Team Trivia”, “Veterans Appreciation Day”. These are just some of the events he runs throughout the year to get his fans energized. He also makes sure to go on Facebook Live every day, sometimes several times a day to involve his donors and fans in the lives of the animals he saves and the Veterans who take part in the program.

The One Last Treat Program allows rescued senior animals to live out their remaining time with dignity and love with any applicants who can be matched with a senior animal. All applicants are considered. 

One Last Treat Vet Friend Til’ The End matches honored veterans and senior shelter animals.  All medical expenses for the animal are covered for the rest of their lives by One Last Treat, this enables the Veteran to live with one less (huge) worry until the end with their new senior friend. At the same time this provides needed companionship, comfort, and joy to the retired veteran (I witness it every day in the live feeds).

Joel’s goal for One Last Treat is to highlight the importance of providing proper treatment of animals in their final days to all people and to all communities and to provide needed companionship for our valued veterans from Las Vegas to Missouri, California to Michigan, and all across the U.S.A. 

Joel never hesitates to pack up for a few days just to connect old friends (adoptees and animals) and other rescues like Marley’s Mutts (California), Free to Live (Oklahoma), and The Devoted Barn (Michigan) would tell you that Joel is the greatest wingman and best friend in rescue you could ever ask for. He is always ready to fly out and help pick up dogs in New York flown in from Thailand, drive across the country to “Drool For America”, or even just battle rain and ice to take a goat or mule to MSU in the dead of night so you don’t have to go alone. 

It’s difficult not to get excited when Joel opens a live feed to give an update on one of his special senior animals, or when he goes live to let us know he’s going to be driving two to three states away to help another rescue pick up puppies (he is always on the move and willing to help other rescues with their work), or even when he buys cat trees to give away free at the local shelter to highlight a cat who’s been there too long. Joel’s zest for these activities, for saving life is infectious. I have to say, Joel always has at least 2 to 3 of the animals living with him at any given time. He is blessed beyond measure and he brings those blessings to us in overwhelming ways.

He is constantly and consistently finding innovative ways to engage solutions to benefit the mission of One Last Treat. He is a hero of the America people, his fellow veterans, and to animals everywhere.

*this is my formal submission to CNN Hero Awards 2017 submitted today. Please follow this rescue on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/onelasttreat/   and hey, if you’re looking to throw some money at a good cause (it’s great for your taxes too), this one is VERY deserving. If you are a veteran or know a veteran who would love to become a Vet Friend to One Last Treat, please visit http://www.onelasttreat.com and complete an application!

She Burns

She’s built herself from flames.

There’s a raging forge inside her.

She’s always been able to get lost in it. 

She’s never been afraid to fight through it.

Ignite her. Enflame her. Scortch her. 

Leave her to smolder, she’ll find a way to burn on.

-for Chloe

Patton Oswalt

I had the immense pleasure of attending a show featuring Patton Oswalt last night, February 24, 2017, at the Palace Theater in Columbus, Ohio.

Let me preface this review by saying my husband and I enjoy Patton Oswalt and his brand of comedy on all levels. He makes us laugh about life. He is relevant and relatable to I think the true “forgotten” Americans in the U.S.A. I’ve always enjoyed his views on life in general through his comedy and any time I’ve seen him in movies or television shows I’ve been impressed with his level of professionalism.

I suggested getting tickets for this event the first day they went on sale because well, it would be a great “late” Valentine’s Day date and also because I just wanted to go somewhere with a shitload of fellow Liberals and laugh for a few hours about just how fucked up things have gotten. This show was on point with exactly what I needed and I left feeling completely fulfilled.

I remember I was in Las Vegas with my husband last October. Sadly, we made the mistake of going with some true Trumper in-laws. Oh, and top off that shit pie, we went the week of the final Presidential Candidate Debate between Hillary Clinton and Rapey Cheeto held at UNLV. Our hotel, literally on the same block as UNLV. Secret Service closed down all routes to our hotel for basically the entire day. To make up for it, my husband and I got tickets at the MGM the next night to see Sarah Silverman. Our in-laws wanted desperately to join us. That turned in to a big hell no. There is no awkwardness quite like the kind you have when you have to explain to a couple of conservative right wing ass clowns the comedy of Sarah Silverman and why they would not have a good time (more like we didn’t want them to bring down our vibe but whatever).

Enough of that shit show though and on to my review of last night’s show. A classically trained violinist from Dayton, Ohio named Kristen Lundberg opened the show. I immediately felt safe and secure with her when she announced her frizzy, curly, riotous hair was all natural baby. I had just spent 2 hours and $100 at a salon in Newark, Ohio getting my own frizzy, riotous curls beaten into submission for this show. You know, I don’t think I’ve ever considered playing the violin, short fingernails, and butt hole play in the same sentence but she made it work. I think she’s someone to watch for in the future. She struck me as kind of like an angry, unvarnished, Emma Stone. She’s just as cute but then that mouth….so refreshing. I could definitely see her in an evil twin movie with Emma.

Since I sat in the front row right in front of the stool and microphone with my gorgeous bearded husband I was enraptured for the entire show. Mr. Oswalt wasted no time getting to work. He makes it look flawless even though he was trying new material for an upcoming taped major network special (I believe I read that somewhere recently).

He began the show by coming up and saying “holy shit guys have you seen Twitter? I can’t believe this shit, it’s bad.” The entire 4,000 room audience was in unison thinking “what the fuck did this Rapey Ape do now?” You could feel it, total silence. Patton started laughing and said basically he was kidding but it was a massive demonstration of just how fucked up things have gotten that none of us doubted our President had done something else completely fucked in the time it took to get to our seats.

I kept telling my husband in the weeks before the show that I knew Patton was anti-Trump and not afraid to speak about it and I loved this about him. This is one of the biggest reasons I wanted to see the show. I wanted to go somewhere and hear others openly rake this freak over the coals as I have done for the last year and actually make me laugh until I cried about it. What I didn’t count on, what I didn’t expect, is that I would laugh harder and longer at his every day life jokes. But I did. I just needed the release of it. He does this series of jokes about a lazy blow job that I think every single woman (or even just anyone who’s had or given a blow job) has experienced step by step. It made me weak. To hear 4,000 people laughing about a common thread is unifying, this to me, is more Patriotic than any flag waving “God Bless America” singing evangelist could ever hope to accomplish.

He made me laugh until I cried, my cheeks hurt on then entire 40 minute ride home. He also paved way to a very serious, deep discussion between my husband and I about his soul crushing sadness and the honesty in his comedy. He leaves a lot of pieces of himself on stage. He makes you see his heart. We spoke about our love (27 years), we spoke about loss, gray areas, our atheism, and empathy versus sympathy and why neither are helpful sometimes. Patton Oswalt has a well of emotion and he shares just enough that you know he’s not some vapid cunt who made it one day and is just doing it for the $$, the lolz, or the fame. I would say with total sincerity that if you don’t know who he is, find out now.

Throughout the evening he went down the line of the front row and asked questions of each of us and I got to tell him about my blog. I decided I couldn’t in good conscience not write a review of the show. I felt so embarrassed to tell him about my blog and my writing. I mean I used to work for an organization teaching at risk youth life skills, drug prevention, and service to our nation. I knew he’d laugh though about the name of it, and he did! Patton Oswalt called me a CUNT ha ha, it has made this whole election mess a little tiny bit less heartbreaking for me. He made fun of my husband’s beard, I feel vindicated!

I can’t thank Patton Oswalt enough for last night. He has given me back my laughter. The crowd, you 4,000 people who showed up last night were beautiful, funny, easygoing people who just wanted a good time, thank you, you classy fucks. OHIO the Heart Of It All! My husband, you bearded steelworker lumberjack! You are my soul, you always anticipate what I need and just do it for me. Oh and whomever was smoking weed in the balcony? Thank YOU for the contact high, next time bring enough to share with the rest of the class, amirite?!

P.S. Patton, if you read this, Cancer is a Pussy but Pussy Cancer can be funny, just look at our President’s face.

Awake

It’s 3 a.m. for the third night in a row and I can’t sleep even with the pain meds and sleeping meds I’ve taken. My mind won’t shut off.

I’m looking forward to going to a comedy show with my husband Friday night but I know I need to get plenty of rest so that I can have a good time. It’s not as if I’m working too hard. I basically clean up the house, play with the dogs, cook, and write every day. There are odd days I have appointments or go shopping but lately even that is blah to me.

I’ve gotten to the point where I don’t want to interact with anyone. I no longer want to even engage on a social level because I’m so disappointed in society as a whole. I hear stupid comments about immigration. “Well, what about an illegal who commits murder in the U.S., don’t you care about the family of the victim?” No I don’t. I remember being given a book when I was about 7 years old. It was given to me to explain to me why something happened to me and why I needed to “get over it”. It was called “Why Bad Things Happen to Good People”. It’s a good read, for all ages, I suggest anyone who tries to use the above excuse for immigration reform read it and then try to explain to a domestic rape victim why immigration reform is more important than Welfare Reform, Sex Abuse Reform, Prison Reform, Foster Care Reform, etc. Explain to a domestic born victim/survivor why immigration reform is given more importance than catching/penalizing domestic perpetrators. You can’t because you know deep down, it’s a race issue. It has nothing to do with them being here illegally, it has everything to do with them being “brown”.

I no longer want to engage in a society who sit back and allow others to talk shit about and take away basic human rights from children. From fucking children, people! I remember high school. Do you? It was a complete shit show and that was before being transgender was allowed to see some sunlight. President Obama during his administration laid foundations and it was all just bulldozed yesterday. I mean are you all that worried that these children in these schools are predators? Really? Where are your statistics that back up your choices? How many transgender/gay kids have raped or assaulted other kids in bathrooms at schools, libraries, malls, burger shacks, etc.? Are you that insecure in your own sexuality that you so blatantly let it bleed all over our children?

What’s more sickening to me, what really makes me want to just stay in bed, blow my brains out, blow someone else’s brains out is that this was discussed before so many voted for this motherfucker. People in my own family, gay people in my own family defended this motherfucker. “Oh, he likes gay and transgender people. He supports the community. Peter Theil spoke for him at the RNC. Jackie Evancho has a transgender sister and she sang at his inauguration. He’ll protect gay and transgender kids.”

What fucking say you now? Try and defend your position. I’ll tell you what I said then. Peter Theil, yes he may be gay but he doesn’t want to be. He never wanted to be outed and he never came out himself. In fact, he sued a news outlet to the point they had to close because they couldn’t afford the judgement against them when he was done suing them for outing him in their publication. He never wanted the world to know he was gay. He is not “out and proud”. He uses it now to fool the gay community into voting Republican and it worked. Jackie, she’s a 16 year old kid who got paid millions because she was the only performer willing to sing at Rapey Cheeto’s swearing in. Her transgender sister did not attend the ceremony with the rest of her family. Jackie, today, tweeted the Rapey Cheeto to say how sad and disappointed and heartbroken she is and that she feels betrayed. Boo fucking hoo.

I’m angry. I’m sad. It’s not just about immigrants. It’s not just about transgender and gay kids. It’s not even just about my rights as a female in this country. It’s stupid shit, small shit. Like now it takes 7 to 14 weeks to get a straight tax return. Like military families have no lost their on-base daycare. Like people who are paralyzed and have been for 10 years are now being forced to refile for disability benefits to prove they aren’t scamming the system. Like they are shutting down PBS but still paying $500k a day for Rapey Cheeto First Lady and Son to live in New York. Like Rapey Cheeto says he walked into a mess from the Obama years but if it was such a damn mess, how he has had time to take a vacation every single weekend for the last 4 weeks? Like his first week in office, his first military operation approval, U.S. Troops killed 23 women and children in a foreign land, a land they had no permission to be in. The White House released a statement saying only “It was a success and we lost a hero Navy Seal.” Is that us? Is that the American people now? We no longer apologize for friendly fire? For loss of life?

At this point, I don’t feel connected to anyone or anything anymore. I feel like nothing America is supposed to stand for is true anymore.  It’s disturbing that I still have people in my life who question continually why I’m still not socializing with them. I learn every single day the difference between me and anyone who supported this. If you can’t figure it out, it only validates what I know.